High School Teachers Always Revise The Paper Base

Instructor’s comments :

I learned so much about different animal rights and welfare laws and why it’s important that we consider all sides of these issues when we enter into relationships with animals. As your peers have pointed out, it’s not entirely clear what you’re arguing, though; you might consider the question of why it’s important that we know all of this information when considering our relationships to animals. Why is it important that we know the different between animal rights and welfare, for instance? Are there big implications for animals OR humans if we don’t understand this difference?

peer’s comments:

First of all, the sources you choose are very good, each of which can support your discussion well. Because your paper is a draft, I find it difficult to see what your paper’s structure is. In this case, it feels a little messy to read and it looks levelless. Since there is no general sentence at the beginning of each paragraph, I also find it is difficult to understand what you are discussing in each paragraph. In addition, I think you need transition sentences between your paragraphs, which will make the structure of your article look better. In response to your questions, we can start with the lightest fines regarding the laws and punishments that should be put forward for cruelty to animals, and then gradually increase the punishment according to the types of animals, up to the maximum prison penalty.

Hi , I think your memo is well-written and organized. Your strengths and weaknesses are well-elaborated. This is great as it implies that you have gained a deep understanding of your research topic. I think the best way to present information on the factors addressed in your research topic will be identifying sources where they are detailed and analyzing the same. On the violations of animal welfare, it is more of a question of research than design. You could probably do some searching on the different violations carried out in different countries. It would be base you research on: what are the guiding procedures for designing punishments for animal violation practices? Why are there variations in the different countries? What influences the presence of variations? Overall, the draft paper looks appealing. I am even surprised that it is a draft paper. However, since it is a research paper, I would suggest making it more argumentative than informative. It is good to include your insights that are informed by the findings that you obtain. Lastly, an introduction would also suffice to help readers acquaint more with the topic at hand before getting deep into the paper.

First off I wanted to say that your research paper was really interesting to read! It was something really unique to read about as I have not seen much written about it before. Your thesis was very concise and all of the pieces of evidence you provided in your body paragraph supported it really well. The punishment for violating the Animal Welfare Act could be included where you introduce the act. In terms of providing information about the failure of current efforts on protecting the rights of animals, I would suggest just creating a new paragraph for it. You could possibly find some evidence that shows that the current efforts have failed, and even provide a possible solution as to how better efforts could be made in protecting them. One change I would recommend is not having a quote in your conclusion paragraph. Even I used to have a tendency of doing that but my high school teachers always told me that the conclusion is meant to close off your essay so we should avoid any quotes. Overall, I really enjoyed reading your research paper!

 
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